i never wrote anything. thought i found myself someone worthy, thought it was time for me to be a girlfriend. thought maybe love wasn’t just knocking but pounding on my door. finally i could envision being proud to say this is my man. you’d think if all that was true, one would write about all the new highs. every fresh emotion, every favorite moment, every tiny detail of what seemed like my great love story. but no – not one word.
somewhere, some version of me knew. that scarily spot on voice of mine that lived in the cozy back corner of my mind always got through. i know the exact moment that voice, let’s call her “ace”, first spoke up about him.
it was all green, at least that was the reality i chose. fast tracked connection, infinite access, forget love bombing insert explosion…you know, all the things that you can’t tell are toxic because it feels good. so when he asked me to go to closing and see him in action at mommy’s restaurant – i went. how sweet to be included in his life, right?
wrong. how sweet am i to see the best always. anyways, i go and it’s a new phenomenon. being seen as someone’s someone, it’s cool. and then love languages get brought up in conversation. backstory, i made a vow to myself when my biggest relationship lesson told me words of affirmation were his #1. biggest relationship lesson is code for “liar, narcissist, manipulator, game player…” list goes on. and when that all came to an end of my choosing, i remember telling myself that a man with words of affirmation as his #1 is not an authentic man.
so back to the current story, love languages get brought up, and his top is words of affirmation. that’s when ace joins the conversation, that was the first time i heard her in regards to this piece of my life. visuals of all the similarities from backstory man to current story man flash – two car obsession, amazing in text, self absorption, astrology haze…
but wait, maybe this is the good version. maybe i had the counterfeit version and now i have my fairytale. right? that would make sense, because i learned and grew and actually did the work.
and that’s how i put ace to sleep for a while. but we woke up because she became me and i became her. for years we were two. to be honest with you, my whole experience with him led to ace becoming grace. it’s one voice now. it’s the knowing that i deserve absolute certainty, limitless greatness and doubtless connection in every aspect of my life. it’s the commitment to my self worth and unshakeable internal faith as my only state of operation.
that’d be the perfect conclusion to this post. but there’s more.
i started this post with a completely different idea. that idea was: it’s nearly six months post that situation. i moved on in two weeks, completely removed myself physically/virtually in anything to do with him, holy upgraded, expanded in ways i didn’t think possible, stand tall behind my boundaries and see it all so clearly. he, however, is consistently my first view on every story, constantly creates reasons to message me, drives the car i designed and has no idea his dirty little secret lives in my garden.
yet here i am on a random sunday night wishing i had something, anything from when i thought i was safe with a man, maybe in love or at least on track to it. i barely remember that version of me. let’s be clear, this has zero to do with him. he forever disgusts me. it’s just that i know the version of me in love with life, not the one with a person. there were parts of her that fit so well. there were so many parts i hated but i’d rewatch the good.
i knew when i was in it and happy not to write because what if it was painful? and it literally became the most painful it could’ve been. so if you’ve made it this far, this is your sign to just write it. the full human experience is too beautiful, emotion is too precious. never again will i go through something significant and bury it in fear of hurt.
write. all of it.
now here’s what this post actually became: the realization that this whole situation harmonized the separated pieces of me. there was a piece (ace) that knew i deserved the highest of treatment, the absolute dream, the best values and the perfect thing. and there was the other piece of me that thought i couldn’t have it all but if i got close it would be good enough.
so thank god for plants, unshaven legs and hot chais. i needed all of it. i needed to deepen the language of love to myself. i needed to value grace fully to erase “good enough” from her body, mind and soul.
this is the first thing i’ve ever written about it all.
-G
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